A Hairy Mess

This week in news, tragedy strikes; Mo’nique, the actress primarily known for being fat and doing a really good film being fat, pregnant, and sixteen (coming soon; the death of Mo’nique’s career as an actress! Unless, of course, she’s happy with being ‘the fat best friend’ or that fat person who always falls off of something/gets covered in pie from now on), has defied good taste and THREATENED TO END ALL HUMAN LIFE with her woolly mammoth legs. While noble news reporters concerned with the fate of humanity are begging Mo’nique to excise her thicket of leg-hairs before they grow out of control and smother out life as we know it, Mo’nique has been defiant, claiming that she ‘doesn’t like shaving’. Doesn’t she understand that an unshaven female leg is a serious problem, on par with global warming and the holocaust?!? First of all, ew! And second of all, double ew! And third, Mo’nique should shave for her own good. As a fat girl, her hopes of being taken seriously by the American media are already slim. Does she really want to compromise her position now by refusing to shave her legs?

Yes, Mo’nique has certainly shown a selfish streak. What if we normal Americans want to look at her legs without vomiting, huh? As an American, it is my God-given right to look at the legs of others, especially celebrities, without having my personal standards of beauty violated. Now what am I supposed to do? Just imagine that Mo’nique is skinny with smooth appendages? I don’t have, like, infinite creativity here!

In other news, Haiti earthquake and shit. But I just can’t concentrate on it. I’m too upset. DAMN YOU, MO’NIQUE!