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Some Thoughts on Fetuses

August 27, 2009 15 comments

Ahh Reddit… a place where intelligent people go to share news stories, talk about current events, and discuss their ideas.

Oh, sorry, wait, there’s nowhere like that on the internet. Reddit is actually a fair representation of the Internet at large; a smattering of interesting, creative, and mature people mixed in with an ocean of petty, close-minded emotional children.

So it was to no one’s surprise that the largely liberal user base of Reddit produced this news-free story, which basically just served the purpose of affirming the beliefs of your average Reddit user; only cruel, stupid bigots look up to Sarah Palin.

Anyway, Reddit users aside, one comment in particular struck me;

“If he makes it into Heaven (& I doubt he will with his stance on abortion) I hope that God makes him babysit all the aborted children for eternity. God have mercy on his soul.”

But wait… if aborted fetuses automatically go to heaven, then shouldn’t abortion be a supreme act of giving? If aborted fetuses go to heaven, then having an abortion is essentially sacrificing yourself to hell so your child is guaranteed passageway through the pearly gates. And, if you abort your child, they don’t have to go through the tedious motions of life first*. In God’s Amusement Park, aborted fetuses don’t have to wait in line for the roller coast of Heaven!

Ok, another question. How does God prevent the fetuses from freaking out the other lucky souls who made it to heaven? Have you ever seen a fetus at, say, twelve weeks? They’re creepy. They look like little aliens. Really fat little aliens. And don’t even get me started on earlier weeks.

And what about the aborted fetuses who didn’t have time on earth to develop a central nervous system? Can they enjoy heaven without it? Maybe everyone who goes to heaven gets a spare central nervous system at the gate. Kind of like a divine party favor.

Well, I’m sure Jehovah can work out those little details, being omnipotent and all.

In any case, it has become clear to me the the moral thing for a Christian to do is abort all of their children. Don’t they want their offspring to go to heaven? Christians shouldn’t be picketing abortion clinics! They should be camping out outside of them, waiting for their turn!

To the people who have not left in disgust by now, I say; Thank you for reading.

Footnotes;

*I do not find life tedious. But I probably would if I was religious.** Yeesh, so many rules!

**Okay, I realize that most religious people claim that life is full of wonders and joys. And I believe they are being honest. So, the way they describe life is a little surprising to me sometimes; I was once talking to a Jewish acquaintance and he described life as the grand hallway that leads to heaven and eternal bliss with God. Jesus, dude, don’t you get bored of walking down a hallway for seventy plus years? Apparently not, because this person always appeared to be extremely well-adjusted and happy. I guess anticipation IS the best part.